Stop Helping—It’s Making Things Worse

The Struggle of Wanting to Help

Hey sis, ever lose yourself trying to save someone else? Yeah, I’ve been there too—and it’s a lesson I wish I’d learned way sooner. It’s like pouring everything you have into their cup, only to realize yours has been empty all along.

A while back, I dated a guy who was always in crisis. Trying to help, I took it upon myself to keep things together for him—cooking his meals, reminding him to pay bills, even managing his schedule. Basically, I became his mom. But the more I did for him, the less he did for himself. And instead of helping, I realized I was just keeping him stuck. Sound familiar?

This dynamic doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It can show up in friendships, family, or even work. Imagine you have a friend who’s always late on group project deadlines. You keep covering for her because you don’t want her to fail, but deep down, you know she’s not learning anything.

Here’s the thing: helping feels good because it triggers dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical. But when we over-help, it’s often about soothing our own fears—fear of conflict, losing the relationship, or feeling useless. And while it might feel good in the moment, it can keep both of us stuck in the long run.

The Brain Science of Learned Helplessness

Here’s the thing: there’s a big difference between supporting someone and enabling them.

• Supporting means empowering them to solve their own problems. It’s giving them the tools, encouragement, and space to grow.

• Enabling means taking over and preventing growth. It’s when we step in and do the work for them, thinking we’re being kind, but really, we’re just keeping them stuck.

For example, let’s say your roommate is struggling to keep up with rent because she spends too much on takeout. If you keep covering her share, you’re enabling her to avoid responsibility. But if you sit down with her and help her create a budget, you’re supporting her.

When we enable someone, we’re not just helping—we’re actually teaching them to rely on us instead of themselves. Psychologists call this learned helplessness, and it’s a real thing. When someone feels like they can’t solve their own problems, they stop trying. On the flip side, when we support someone by empowering them to take charge, we’re helping them build resilience and confidence. It’s like the difference between giving someone a fish and teaching them how to fish.

Why Enabling Feels Like Love (But Is Really Fear)

Here’s the hard truth: enabling often feels like love, but it’s really about fear. Fear of conflict, fear of losing the relationship, or fear of seeing someone you care about struggle.

I’ll be real with you—I’ve been there. In that relationship I mentioned, I thought I was being a good partner by taking over his responsibilities. But deep down, I was afraid. Afraid that if I didn’t step in, he’d fall apart. Afraid that if I stopped taking care of him, he’d leave.

But here’s what I didn’t realize: by doing everything for him, I was making things worse for both of us. I was so focused on keeping him afloat that I didn’t see how I was preventing him from learning to swim.

When we’re worried about someone, our amygdala—the part of the brain that processes fear—goes into overdrive. It’s like an alarm system that says, “Do something! Fix it!” But sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is resist that urge and let them figure it out.

How to Support Without Enabling 

So, how do we break the cycle? Here are three steps to start:

1. Acknowledge Your Fear:
   What are you afraid will happen if you stop enabling? Are you worried they’ll fail? That they’ll resent you? That the relationship will fall apart? Naming your fear is the first step to overcoming it.

2. Shift Your Focus:
   Instead of fixing their problems, focus on empowering them to take responsibility. Ask questions like, “What do you think you should do?” or “How can I support you in figuring this out?”

3. Set Boundaries:
   Protecting your own well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup. For example, if you’ve been lending money to a friend, say, “I care about you, but I can’t keep giving you money. Let’s brainstorm other solutions together.”

Wes’s Finance Lesson (How He Made Me Love Budgeting)

Let me tell you about Wes. He has this annoying habit of never giving me the answers I want. I’ll come to him with a problem, like, “Hey, what should I do about XYZ?” and instead of telling me, he’ll say, “What do you think you should do?”

At first, it drove me crazy. I didn’t want to do the hard mental work of figuring it out—I just wanted him to tell me what to do. But over time, I realized he was teaching me something far more valuable: how to trust myself.

A perfect example is how he handled our finances when we first started dating. I knew nothing about money—budgeting, investing, all of it felt overwhelming. Meanwhile, Wes has a finance background and could’ve easily taken over. But he didn’t. Instead, he walked me through everything, step by step, until I felt confident managing it myself.

Now, I actually love finance. It’s like a game to me. And I’m so glad Wes didn’t just do it for me—because now I’m stronger and more capable because of it.

What Wes was doing—without me even realizing it—was helping me build something psychologists call self-efficacy. It’s the belief that you can handle whatever life throws at you. And here’s the cool part: every time I figured something out on my own, my brain was literally rewiring itself to be more confident and capable.

Let me break it down in the simplest way possible:

• Your brain is like a network of roads. When you’re learning something new—like walking, riding a bike, or managing your finances—your brain has to build a new “road” to handle that skill. At first, it’s hard work. You have to focus, make mistakes, and try again.

• But the more you practice, the stronger that road becomes. Eventually, it’s like a highway—you can do the thing without even thinking about it.

Think about a toddler learning to walk. At first, they wobble, fall, and have to concentrate really hard just to take a few steps. But over time, their brain builds a strong “walking road,” and soon they’re running around without a second thought.

Here’s the best part: even though it’s easier for kids to build new roads in their brains (because their brains are still developing), adults can do it too. It just takes a little more effort. Every time you tackle a challenge or learn something new, you’re building and strengthening those roads.

So, while it might feel hard in the moment, that struggle is literally making you stronger and more capable. It’s like upgrading your brain’s GPS—one new road at a time.

Support or Enablement?

Do:

• Listen without judgment.

• Encourage problem-solving and independence.

• Offer guidance only when asked.

Don’t:

• Take over their responsibilities.

• Shield them from consequences.

• Make excuses for their behavior.

This Week’s Barefoot Challenge (Try It & Comment!)

Sis, I want you to think about someone you’ve been rescuing. Maybe it’s a friend, a sibling, or even a partner. Write down one way you’ve stepped in to solve their problem recently. Now, write down one way you could let them handle it on their own.

Then, set one small boundary. For example:

• If you’ve been covering for a coworker, let them face the consequences this time.

• If you’ve been lending money, say, “I care about you, but I can’t keep giving you money. Let’s brainstorm other solutions together.”

The Butterfly Cocoon Paradox (Struggle = Strength)

When I was younger, my mom and I raised butterflies. I remember wanting to help them break free from their cocoons because it looked so hard. But my mom explained that the struggle was necessary for them to develop the strength to fly.

One butterfly, Mary, emerged deformed, and we cared for her all her life. She was a reminder that even when things don’t go as planned, there’s still beauty and purpose in the journey.

In the same way, when we resist the urge to rescue others, we’re giving them the gift of growth. It’s not easy to step back and let someone struggle, but sometimes, that’s exactly what they need to become stronger, more resilient, and more capable.

Moderate stress—like the struggle of breaking out of a cocoon—can actually promote growth and resilience. It’s called hormetic stress, and it’s a reminder that sometimes, the challenges we face are exactly what we need to grow stronger.

Last Chapter

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care enough to stop enabling and start supporting. And here’s the science behind it: overcoming challenges builds resilience, problem-solving skills, and confidence. Plus, setting healthy boundaries isn’t just good for them—it’s good for you, too. Studies show that boundaries are crucial for mental health and well-being.

So, while it’s not easy, it’s one of the most loving things you can do—for them and for yourself.

Take care, stay curious, and I’ll see you next time. 💛

Want to Read Along? Grab Your Books HERE!

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

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FYI: Some of the above links may be affiliate links, meaning if you purchase a product or service via these links I may receive a small commission/reward, at no additional charge to you. Thanks for supporting the channel! 😉

How to Change Someone’s Mind (Without Them Noticing)

 

Why Won't They Just Listen?!

Hey sis, have you ever tried to fix someone, only to watch them dig in their heels? It’s maddening, isn’t it? You step in, thinking you’re helping, but somehow it only makes things worse. I’ve been there too—like the time my 89-year-old grandma climbed a rickety ladder to put away her Christmas decorations. That moment taught me something surprising about why people resist change—and, more importantly, how to approach it in a way that actually works. If you’re tired of feeling stuck or ignored, this could change everything. Let me explain…

The Christmas Ladder Incident (My Wake-Up Call)

My grandmother—Mom Mom, as we called her—was fiercely independent. So independent, in fact, that despite being a little wobbly, she climbed a ladder in her building’s cold, cinder-block basement to hang decorations. She was miles from anyone who could hear her if she fell or hurt herself. When I found out, I was furious. “Why didn’t you call me?” I wanted to scream. But here’s the thing: no matter how much I wanted her to reconsider, I couldn’t. People only change when they’re ready.

Why Is Change So Hard?

Change feels like an uphill battle because human behavior is rooted in psychological and emotional patterns that have been forming for years—sometimes even decades.

Take my grandmother, for example. As the oldest of a large family growing up during the Great Depression, she learned early on how to care for others—and herself. Over the years, doing everything on her own became second nature, woven so deeply into her identity that by the time she was 89, asking for help felt almost impossible—even when it meant risking her safety.

For her, change wasn’t just about accepting help—it was about letting go of the very identity she had spent her whole life building. And that’s the thing about change—it’s hard to undo patterns that have been part of us for so long.

The Three Truths About Change

Here’s what I’ve learned about why people resist change—and how you can approach it differently:

Truth 1: Adults Only Change When They Feel Like It

If you’ve ever spent time with a toddler, you know the struggle: the moment you tell them not to do something, it’s like their whole mission in life suddenly becomes to do that exact thing. I was the same way growing up. My mom quickly learned that telling me not to do something usually meant I’d do it just to prove I could.

As adults, that doesn’t really go away. We only make a change when we feel ready, not because someone else tells us to. And trust me, I’ve learned the hard way—change has to come from within.

Truth 2: Humans Are Wired to Move Toward What Feels Good (The Pleasure Trap)

Ever notice how much easier it is to hit snooze than to get up and go for a run? Or how tempting that second slice of pizza is, even though you know it’ll leave you feeling sluggish later? Welcome to The Pleasure Trap.

We’re biologically wired to seek comfort and avoid discomfort. Change feels uncomfortable. It means stepping away from what’s easy and familiar, and that discomfort is exactly what people are trying to avoid.

Truth 3: Everyone Thinks They’re the Exception

There’s a funny thing about human nature—we all like to think we’re a little different. When it comes to rules, risks, or even advice, most people believe their circumstances are unique.

Take texting while driving, for example. We all know it’s dangerous, but how many of us still sneak a glance at our phones behind the wheel? We rationalize it with thoughts like, “I’m careful. I’ll just look at this one thing. Nothing bad will happen to me.”

The same goes for someone with high cholesterol who continues eating fast food because they “feel fine” or someone who refuses to exercise because “their uncle lived to 95 without stepping foot in a gym.” In their mind, they’ve built a narrative that makes their resistance to change feel logical and even safe.

The Standoff: Why Pressure Doesn’t Work

Here’s the hard truth: pressure doesn’t create change—it creates resistance to it.

A few years ago, I had a friend stuck in a toxic relationship. I was convinced I could “fix” it. I gave advice, pointed out red flags, and basically became a walking, talking intervention. Spoiler: it didn’t work. In fact, it pushed her further away, and she kept dating the guy for three more years before she was finally ready to end things.

When she did, she reached back out, and we resumed our friendship. That experience taught me a hard but valuable lesson: you can’t force someone to change, no matter how much you care. But you can be there for them when they’re ready.

What CAN You Do?

Okay, so if you can’t force someone to change, does that mean you’re completely powerless? Not at all. Here’s the secret sauce: your behavior is one of the most powerful tools you have for influencing others.

Think about it. When someone you admire makes a positive change—whether it’s getting in shape, chasing a passion, or setting boundaries—it’s inspiring, right? You don’t feel judged or pressured; you feel motivated. You think, If they can do it, maybe I can too.

That’s the magic of modeling. When you focus on your own growth and well-being, you create a ripple effect. You show others what’s possible—not by telling them, but by living it.

The ABC Loop for Inspiring Change

Here’s a simple framework to help you inspire change without creating resistance:

1. A: Apologize and Ask
   If you’ve been pressuring or judging them, start with an apology. Try something like, “I’m sorry if I’ve been nagging you about this. I just care about you and want to help, but I realize I might have gone about it the wrong way.”
   Then, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective. For example:

• “How do you feel about [the situation]?”

• “What’s been the hardest part for you?”

2. B: Back Off and Observe
   Give them space. Change takes time, and they need to process and reflect without feeling pressured.

3. C: Celebrate Progress
   When they take even the smallest step in the right direction, celebrate it. Immediate, positive reinforcement—even for tiny things—will put wind in their sails and spur them to keep going.

Last Chapter

Here’s the deal: the only behavior you can truly control is your own. No amount of nagging, pleading, or guilt-tripping will force someone to change—but when you focus on your own growth, you create a ripple effect that can inspire others to do the same.

Think of it this way: you can’t drag someone else up the mountain, but you can climb it yourself and shout, “The view up here is amazing!” Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get them moving.

Next week, we’ll dive deeper than just the little things that bug you and talk about how to help loved ones who are spiralling—because sometimes, the problem is more than just a bad habit or a frustrating quirk.

But that’s all for now. Take care, stay curious, and I’ll see you next time! 💛

Want to Read Along? Grab Your Books HERE!

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

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FYI: Some of the above links may be affiliate links, meaning if you purchase a product or service via these links I may receive a small commission/reward, at no additional charge to you. Thanks for supporting the channel! 😉

Why Adult Friendships Feel Hard—and How to Fix It

Hey sis, have you ever scrolled through old photos, laughing at memories, only to wonder, “Where did all my friends go?”

Growing up, friendships felt effortless. But as life shifts—through career changes, family, or new cities—those connections often fade, leaving behind a few texts, social media likes, and a nagging sense of loss.

But what if meaningful friendships could still be yours? What if the connections you crave are not only possible but within your control?

In this post, we’ll explore why adult friendships feel harder, uncover three pillars to keep them strong, and share how to create friendships that truly fuel your soul. Plus, we’ll talk about letting go of guilt when friendships change and embracing the beauty of evolving relationships.

Your friendship story isn’t over—it’s just evolving.

Why Friendship Used to Feel So Much Easier

Okay, real talk: I didn’t have a massive circle of childhood friends. But even then, friendships just kind of happened. Whether you were the life of the party or just floating by, there were always built-in opportunities for connection.

Think about it—school, sports, clubs. You didn’t have to work for it. You were surrounded by people all day. At 16, you bonded over the chaos of parallel parking. You exchanged SAT scores (and complained about them), then rushed into college, where it was all about roommates, gen eds, and tossing graduation caps in the air. The best part? You shared these milestones with others, so friendships came easily.

But adulthood? That’s a whole different story.

The “automatic” stuff disappears. You graduate, move away, start a career, maybe build a family—and suddenly, life’s structure shifts. Those effortless ways of connecting vanish, leaving you wondering, “Why is this so much harder?”

Mel Robbins hits the nail on the head: Friendship goes from being a group sport to an individual one. Spontaneous study groups and late-night dorm talks fade away, and now, you have to be intentional. You’re no longer surrounded by the same people in the same ways, and it can feel like starting from scratch.

But here’s the secret: You’re not alone. And the good news? Once you understand the three pillars of friendship—proximity, timing, and energy—everything starts to make sense. Let’s break them down.

The Three Pillars of Friendship

1. Proximity: The Impact of Geography

Friendship thrives on closeness—literally. The closer you are physically to someone, the easier it is to build and maintain a bond. Proximity makes quality time and natural connection effortless.

Take my friend Chloe and me. We became like sisters in college because we shared nearly every class as triple majors. Between study sessions, hikes, and endless coffee runs, we built a strong connection. Proximity made it easy to be there for each other—like the time we cooked butternut squash during an earthquake while writing term papers.

But when I got married and moved away, things changed. We no longer shared a city—or even a living space. Staying connected now takes effort. Chloe still visits the lake with us every summer, and we catch up during her morning commute. At Christmas, we even met up for an Elf Hunt with my honorary kiddos. It’s different now, and I miss the simplicity of those close-proximity years.

Here’s the science: A University of Kansas study found it takes about 74 hours to become a casual friend and over 200 hours to become a close one. Proximity makes it easy to rack up those hours without trying. But as we grow older, careers, families, and life changes pull us apart. Clocking those hours becomes harder, and friendship requires more intention—scheduling calls, planning visits, or creating new traditions.

Friendship without proximity isn’t impossible—it’s just different. It takes effort, but when you value someone, it’s worth it.

2. Timing: Being in the Same Life Chapter

Timing is a powerful, often overlooked factor in friendships. Relationships thrive when you and your friends share the same life chapter—when your priorities, struggles, and joys naturally align.

A few years ago, I was part of a close-knit group of girlfriends. We spent weekends rock climbing, having cozy girls' nights, and even took spontaneous trips—like the time my friend Katy and I hiked inside a volcano in Costa Rica. It was a season of adventure and connection that I’ll always cherish.

But after Wes and I got married, things began to shift. Girls' nights became rare, and last-minute trips no longer fit my schedule—or our financial goals. Saying no felt responsible, but I’d still feel guilty or left out when they went without me. Even when I joined in, the effortless energy we once shared felt harder to find.

At first, I wondered if something was wrong with me. Had I changed too much? Did I need to try harder? Over time, I realized the truth: nothing was wrong with me—or with them. We were simply in different life chapters. While I was budgeting, meal prepping, and navigating married life, my single friends were planning happy hours and spontaneous adventures. Our priorities had shifted, and our friendship needed to shift too.

This is the beauty and challenge of adult friendships. When life chapters align, connection feels effortless. When they don’t, friendships can feel harder or even drift. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the love is gone—it just means the friendship is evolving.

Here’s the good news: life chapters are always changing. Just because you’re in different seasons now doesn’t mean you won’t reconnect later. In fact, some of my closest friendships were rekindled years after a season of distance.

3. Energy: Chemistry and Evolving Connections

At the heart of every friendship is chemistry—the spark that makes connection effortless. It’s the flow where conversations come easy, time flies, and you feel truly understood. But what happens when that energy shifts?

Friendships don’t always drift apart because of conflict. Sometimes, life simply pulls you in different directions. That doesn’t mean the connection wasn’t real or that the love is gone—it just means the season has changed.

Rather than mourning what was, celebrate what is. Even if a friendship looks different, it can still hold meaning. Send a text, make the effort to reconnect, or treasure the good memories. And here’s the beauty: friendships can resurface when you least expect it.

Britt’s Story: How Friendships Evolve

My friend Britt and I clicked instantly in college. But as the years went on, our paths diverged. I was dreaming of grad school and traveling, while Britt was planning her wedding and starting a family. By graduation, her life looked completely different from mine. When she moved out of state, we kept in touch here and there, but the gap between our daily lives made it harder to stay close.

Then, life surprised me. I got married and became a full-time nanny. Suddenly, I found myself in a season where I could relate to Britt’s world—snacks, nap times, and all. That shared experience brought us back together. Now, during playdates with our kids, we reconnect, laugh, and discover how much we still have in common.

It’s amazing how friendships evolve. When our lives were on different tracks, our connection faded into the background. But now, we’ve found a new rhythm, and our friendship feels as meaningful as ever—different from college, but just as special.

Here’s the deal: great friendships don’t just happen—they take effort. But the good news? A little intentionality goes a long way, and I’m about to share with you two habits that will make friendship building feel more natural… 

Habit #1: Be Intentional—Don’t Let Potential Friendships Slip By

So many friendships almost happen, but don’t. And usually, it’s just because no one takes the first step.

Take my experience with Bailey. We worked together for almost a year and barely talked—just a few smiles and polite waves. Both introverts, we kept to ourselves. I’d eat lunch alone with a book, and she’d do her own thing.

Then, just a few weeks before the school year ended, we finally struck up a real conversation. And guess what? We instantly clicked. Those last few weeks were filled with laughter and deep talks, and now, Bailey is one of the only people from that job I still keep in touch with.

And honestly? I can’t help but wonder—how much richer could that year have been if I’d just made the first move sooner?

Habit #2: Practice the Habit of “Going First”

If you want great friends, start by being a great friend—and that often means going first.

Compliment freely. If you think something kind, say it! A genuine compliment can break the ice and completely make someone’s day.

Be curious. Ask about their favorite book, what they’re passionate about, or just how their week is going. People love feeling seen.

Smile and say hello. It might feel small, but a warm smile can be the first step toward something so much bigger.

Your Weekly Barefoot Challenge

Take a quick friendship check-in:

✅ List your closest friends and ask, Am I showing up for these relationships the way I want to?

✅ Plan one meaningful connection this month—grab coffee, send a text, or write a sweet note.

✅ Practice “going first” by reaching out to someone new or reconnecting with an old friend.

Final Thoughts

Building friendships as an adult can feel tricky. But when you focus on three key things—proximity, timing, and energy—you’ll start to see connections fall into place.

If this resonated with you, and you’d like to dive deeper be sure to check out The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. I’ll link it for you below. 

That’s all for now. Take care, stay curious, and I’ll see you next week! 💛

Want to Read Along? Grab Your Books HERE!

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

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FYI: Some of the above links may be affiliate links, meaning if you purchase a product or service via these links I may receive a small commission/reward, at no additional charge to you. Thanks for supporting the channel! 😉