Stop Helping—It’s Making Things Worse

The Struggle of Wanting to Help

Hey sis, ever lose yourself trying to save someone else? Yeah, I’ve been there too—and it’s a lesson I wish I’d learned way sooner. It’s like pouring everything you have into their cup, only to realize yours has been empty all along.

A while back, I dated a guy who was always in crisis. Trying to help, I took it upon myself to keep things together for him—cooking his meals, reminding him to pay bills, even managing his schedule. Basically, I became his mom. But the more I did for him, the less he did for himself. And instead of helping, I realized I was just keeping him stuck. Sound familiar?

This dynamic doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It can show up in friendships, family, or even work. Imagine you have a friend who’s always late on group project deadlines. You keep covering for her because you don’t want her to fail, but deep down, you know she’s not learning anything.

Here’s the thing: helping feels good because it triggers dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical. But when we over-help, it’s often about soothing our own fears—fear of conflict, losing the relationship, or feeling useless. And while it might feel good in the moment, it can keep both of us stuck in the long run.

The Brain Science of Learned Helplessness

Here’s the thing: there’s a big difference between supporting someone and enabling them.

• Supporting means empowering them to solve their own problems. It’s giving them the tools, encouragement, and space to grow.

• Enabling means taking over and preventing growth. It’s when we step in and do the work for them, thinking we’re being kind, but really, we’re just keeping them stuck.

For example, let’s say your roommate is struggling to keep up with rent because she spends too much on takeout. If you keep covering her share, you’re enabling her to avoid responsibility. But if you sit down with her and help her create a budget, you’re supporting her.

When we enable someone, we’re not just helping—we’re actually teaching them to rely on us instead of themselves. Psychologists call this learned helplessness, and it’s a real thing. When someone feels like they can’t solve their own problems, they stop trying. On the flip side, when we support someone by empowering them to take charge, we’re helping them build resilience and confidence. It’s like the difference between giving someone a fish and teaching them how to fish.

Why Enabling Feels Like Love (But Is Really Fear)

Here’s the hard truth: enabling often feels like love, but it’s really about fear. Fear of conflict, fear of losing the relationship, or fear of seeing someone you care about struggle.

I’ll be real with you—I’ve been there. In that relationship I mentioned, I thought I was being a good partner by taking over his responsibilities. But deep down, I was afraid. Afraid that if I didn’t step in, he’d fall apart. Afraid that if I stopped taking care of him, he’d leave.

But here’s what I didn’t realize: by doing everything for him, I was making things worse for both of us. I was so focused on keeping him afloat that I didn’t see how I was preventing him from learning to swim.

When we’re worried about someone, our amygdala—the part of the brain that processes fear—goes into overdrive. It’s like an alarm system that says, “Do something! Fix it!” But sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is resist that urge and let them figure it out.

How to Support Without Enabling 

So, how do we break the cycle? Here are three steps to start:

1. Acknowledge Your Fear:
   What are you afraid will happen if you stop enabling? Are you worried they’ll fail? That they’ll resent you? That the relationship will fall apart? Naming your fear is the first step to overcoming it.

2. Shift Your Focus:
   Instead of fixing their problems, focus on empowering them to take responsibility. Ask questions like, “What do you think you should do?” or “How can I support you in figuring this out?”

3. Set Boundaries:
   Protecting your own well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup. For example, if you’ve been lending money to a friend, say, “I care about you, but I can’t keep giving you money. Let’s brainstorm other solutions together.”

Wes’s Finance Lesson (How He Made Me Love Budgeting)

Let me tell you about Wes. He has this annoying habit of never giving me the answers I want. I’ll come to him with a problem, like, “Hey, what should I do about XYZ?” and instead of telling me, he’ll say, “What do you think you should do?”

At first, it drove me crazy. I didn’t want to do the hard mental work of figuring it out—I just wanted him to tell me what to do. But over time, I realized he was teaching me something far more valuable: how to trust myself.

A perfect example is how he handled our finances when we first started dating. I knew nothing about money—budgeting, investing, all of it felt overwhelming. Meanwhile, Wes has a finance background and could’ve easily taken over. But he didn’t. Instead, he walked me through everything, step by step, until I felt confident managing it myself.

Now, I actually love finance. It’s like a game to me. And I’m so glad Wes didn’t just do it for me—because now I’m stronger and more capable because of it.

What Wes was doing—without me even realizing it—was helping me build something psychologists call self-efficacy. It’s the belief that you can handle whatever life throws at you. And here’s the cool part: every time I figured something out on my own, my brain was literally rewiring itself to be more confident and capable.

Let me break it down in the simplest way possible:

• Your brain is like a network of roads. When you’re learning something new—like walking, riding a bike, or managing your finances—your brain has to build a new “road” to handle that skill. At first, it’s hard work. You have to focus, make mistakes, and try again.

• But the more you practice, the stronger that road becomes. Eventually, it’s like a highway—you can do the thing without even thinking about it.

Think about a toddler learning to walk. At first, they wobble, fall, and have to concentrate really hard just to take a few steps. But over time, their brain builds a strong “walking road,” and soon they’re running around without a second thought.

Here’s the best part: even though it’s easier for kids to build new roads in their brains (because their brains are still developing), adults can do it too. It just takes a little more effort. Every time you tackle a challenge or learn something new, you’re building and strengthening those roads.

So, while it might feel hard in the moment, that struggle is literally making you stronger and more capable. It’s like upgrading your brain’s GPS—one new road at a time.

Support or Enablement?

Do:

• Listen without judgment.

• Encourage problem-solving and independence.

• Offer guidance only when asked.

Don’t:

• Take over their responsibilities.

• Shield them from consequences.

• Make excuses for their behavior.

This Week’s Barefoot Challenge (Try It & Comment!)

Sis, I want you to think about someone you’ve been rescuing. Maybe it’s a friend, a sibling, or even a partner. Write down one way you’ve stepped in to solve their problem recently. Now, write down one way you could let them handle it on their own.

Then, set one small boundary. For example:

• If you’ve been covering for a coworker, let them face the consequences this time.

• If you’ve been lending money, say, “I care about you, but I can’t keep giving you money. Let’s brainstorm other solutions together.”

The Butterfly Cocoon Paradox (Struggle = Strength)

When I was younger, my mom and I raised butterflies. I remember wanting to help them break free from their cocoons because it looked so hard. But my mom explained that the struggle was necessary for them to develop the strength to fly.

One butterfly, Mary, emerged deformed, and we cared for her all her life. She was a reminder that even when things don’t go as planned, there’s still beauty and purpose in the journey.

In the same way, when we resist the urge to rescue others, we’re giving them the gift of growth. It’s not easy to step back and let someone struggle, but sometimes, that’s exactly what they need to become stronger, more resilient, and more capable.

Moderate stress—like the struggle of breaking out of a cocoon—can actually promote growth and resilience. It’s called hormetic stress, and it’s a reminder that sometimes, the challenges we face are exactly what we need to grow stronger.

Last Chapter

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care enough to stop enabling and start supporting. And here’s the science behind it: overcoming challenges builds resilience, problem-solving skills, and confidence. Plus, setting healthy boundaries isn’t just good for them—it’s good for you, too. Studies show that boundaries are crucial for mental health and well-being.

So, while it’s not easy, it’s one of the most loving things you can do—for them and for yourself.

Take care, stay curious, and I’ll see you next time. 💛

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The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

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