How Attachment Theory Unlocks Your Love Life

What if I told you there's a hidden force shaping every relationship in your life? It determines why you overthink texts, why you crave space when things get too close, or why some friendships feel easier than others. It's called your attachment style—and once you understand it, every relationship in your life will start making sense.

Hi, I'm Shannon, your Barefoot Librarian, and two years ago this book—Attached by neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller—changed everything for me. I went from anxious and overanalyzing to... well, still occasionally overanalyzing, but now with the tools to build healthier connections. 

This isn't just another relationship book. It's your brain's owner's manual, and I’ll link it below so you can explore the full research behind everything we’re discussing. 

Over the course of this 3-part series, we'll uncover:

🔍 Which of the 3 attachment styles is running your relationships
💡 Why you keep attracting the same type of partner (and how to break the cycle)
✨ Practical ways to rewire your relationship patterns starting today

Whether you're single, married, or 'it's complicated'—this is the missing key you've been searching for. Ready to transform your relationships? Let's begin.

Attachment Theory 101

The book is based on John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which was originally developed to understand the bond between infants and their caregivers. But here’s the cool part: it turns out, this theory applies to adult relationships too. So, all those patterns you notice in your relationships? They might actually be rooted in your attachment style.

The premise of the book is pretty simple but powerful: understanding your attachment style can help you build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. And here’s a quote from the book that really stuck with me: “The need for attachment is hardwired into our brains. It’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a biological imperative.” Basically, we’re wired to connect with others, and that’s okay!

Now, why did I choose this book? Well, I’ve actually read it twice in the past few years. The first time was when my husband and I first started dating. I stumbled across it while browsing his bookshelf—yes, I’m that person who judges people by their bookshelves! At the time, I was coming out of some not-so-great relationships, and this book helped me understand why those relationships didn’t work and how I could start building something healthier with my now-husband.

Fast forward to today, and it’s been incredible to see how far we’ve both come. Being in a healthy, loving, and secure relationship has actually helped my attachment style become more secure over time. It’s like the book says: your attachment style isn’t set in stone—it can change with the right experiences and effort.

The Three Attachment Styles

Alright, let’s dive into the three main attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. These styles basically explain how we show up in relationships—whether we’re the “let’s talk about our feelings” type or the “I need space, like, yesterday” type. Spoiler alert: understanding your attachment style (and your partner’s) can be a total game-changer.

Anxious Attachment

First up, we have anxious attachment. These are the people who crave closeness but also have this underlying fear of abandonment. They’re the ones who might text “Are you mad at me?” after a few hours of silence or over analyze every little thing their partner says. Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve been there too.

Scientifically speaking, anxious individuals often have heightened activity in the amygdala, which is the brain’s fear center. This makes them super sensitive to any potential threats in their relationships—for example, if their partner seems distant or distracted. It’s like their brain is constantly on high alert, looking for signs that something’s wrong. 

But here’s the thing: this sensitivity isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just means they care deeply about their relationships. The key is learning how to manage that anxiety and communicate their needs in a healthy way.

Avoidant Attachment

Next, is an avoidant attachment. These are the people who value independence above all else and might struggle with intimacy. They’re the ones who pull away when things get too serious or say things like “I just need some space.” And honestly, I used to think they were just being difficult, but there’s actually a lot more going on beneath the surface.

From a scientific perspective, avoidant individuals often suppress their attachment needs. They generally have lower levels of oxytocin (which is often called the ‘bonding’ or ‘cuddle hormone’). This biologically makes it harder for them to feel connected to others. At the same time, they tend to have higher levels of stress, even if they don’t show it. It’s like they’re constantly battling this internal push-and-pull between wanting closeness and fearing it.

Think of someone who’s super independent and also kind of distant. They might seem like they have it all together, but deep down, they’re struggling with vulnerability.

Secure Attachment

Last but not least, is a secure attachment. These are the people who are like relationship unicorns—comfortable with intimacy but also totally okay with independence. They’re emotionally available, communicate clearly, and handle conflict like pros. You know that friend who always seems to have their life together? Yeah, they’re probably securely attached.

Here’s the science behind it: securely attached individuals tend to have higher levels of oxytocin, that hormone, which helps them feel connected and calm in relationships. On top of that, they have lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol, which means they’re less likely to freak out over small things. Basically, they’re the chillest people you’ll ever meet when it comes to relationship drama.

Think of someone who’s emotionally available, communicates clearly, and handles conflict well. They’re basically  the MVP of relationships.

So, to recap: there are anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles. And honestly, I don’t know about you guys, but while I was researching this, I totally profiled all of my exes. Like, ‘Oh, that’s why that didn’t work out!’ It’s like a relationship post-mortem, but way less depressing.

The Strange Situation Test

Okay, let’s talk about something fascinating: the Strange Situation Test. This is the experiment that laid the foundation for understanding attachment. It was developed by Mary Ainsworth, a psychologist who wanted to study how infants respond to separation and reunion with their caregivers—typically their mothers, but it could be any primary caregiver.

Here’s how it worked: a baby and their caregiver were in a room together, and then the caregiver left for a few minutes. When they returned, researchers observed how the baby reacted. Did the baby run to their caregiver for comfort? Did they ignore them? Or did they seem confused and unsure? Based on those reactions, Ainsworth identified three attachment styles in children: anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and secure.

Now, here’s the fascinating part: research shows that these childhood attachment styles often carry over into adulthood. The way you responded to your caregiver as a baby might still be influencing how you approach relationships today—and not just romantic ones. We’re also talking about friendships, family dynamics, even workplace interactions. As Attached puts it: “Our early experiences with caregivers create a blueprint for how we approach relationships later in life.”

But—and this is a big but—your attachment style isn’t set in stone. It’s biological, but not static. For example, maybe you were securely attached as a child, but then something traumatic happened later in life—like a toxic relationship or a major loss—and that shifted your attachment style. On the flip side, if you’re anxious or avoidant, being in a relationship with a secure partner can actually help you become more secure over time. This is called earned security, and it’s exactly what happened with my husband and me.

When we first started dating, I had a lot of anxious tendencies. I’d over analyze everything, worry about being abandoned, and just generally stress myself out. But over time, being in a healthy, loving, and secure relationship with him helped me feel safer and more grounded. It’s like his secure attachment style rubbed off on me, and now I’m much more secure than I used to be. It’s proof that change is possible! 

So, while your childhood experiences might have created a blueprint, you’re not stuck with it forever. With awareness, effort, and the right relationships, you can rewrite that blueprint and build healthier connections—whether it’s with your partner, your friends, or even your coworkers.

The Dependency Paradox

Okay, I’m about to blow your mind with something that sounds completely backwards but is 100% true. Ready? Here it is: needing other people actually makes you more independent. I know, I know—it sounds like a contradiction, but stick with me. This is called the dependency paradox, and it’s one of the most fascinating ideas in Attached.

Here’s how it works: when we have secure, healthy relationships, they act like a safe base for us. Think of it like ‘home base’ in a game of tag—it’s the place you can always return to when you need comfort or support. And when you know that base is there, you feel more confident venturing out into the world, taking risks, and pursuing your goals. As Attached puts it: “The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”

But here’s the flip side: when that safe base feels shaky—like after a fight with someone close to you—it can totally throw you off balance. Ever notice how you can feel turned upside down all day after an argument with your partner, best friend, or even a family member? That’s because your emotional safety net feels threatened, and suddenly, everything else feels harder to handle. It’s like your brain is saying, “Wait, my safe base is wobbly—I need to fix this before I can focus on anything else.”

Let’s break this down with some science. Studies show that people in secure relationships have lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol and higher levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This means they’re calmer, more connected, and better equipped to handle challenges. But when there’s conflict, those stress hormones spike, and it can feel like your whole world is off-kilter.

Here’s an example: imagine you’re about to give a big presentation at work. If you know you have a supportive partner or friend waiting to cheer you on—no matter how it goes—you’re going to feel a lot more confident walking into that room. But if you’re in the middle of a fight with that person, suddenly that presentation feels ten times harder. That’s the dependency paradox in action. Your connection to someone else gives you the strength to stand on your own—but when that connection feels unstable, it can leave you feeling shaky too.

And here’s a fun fact: Did you know that even small conflicts can temporarily lower your oxytocin levels? That’s why making up after a fight can feel so good—it’s like hitting the reset button on your emotional safety net and releasing happy chemicals in your brain. It’s a reminder that repair is just as important as the connection itself.

And this doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. It could be a close friend, a family member, or even a mentor. The key is having someone who makes you feel safe and supported. When you have that, you’re free to explore, grow, and take risks—knowing you have a safe base to return to.

Why It Matters for Holistic Wellness

Alright, let’s zoom out for a second and talk about the bigger picture: why understanding your attachment style is so crucial for your holistic wellness. Here’s the thing—your relationships don’t just shape your love life. They influence your mental health, your physical health, and even how long you live. Yep, it’s that big.

Impact on Mental Health

First up, let’s talk about your brain. Research shows that people with secure attachment styles tend to have lower levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. Why? Because when you have a safe base—someone who makes you feel supported and secure—your brain can relax. You’re not constantly scanning for threats or worrying about being abandoned. It’s like having an emotional safety net that lets you focus on thriving, not just surviving.

Think of it this way: just like eating well and exercising are non-negotiables for a balanced life, nurturing your relationships is just as essential. You wouldn’t skip meals or stop moving your body, right? Well, your emotional connections deserve the same level of care.

Impact on Physical Health

But it’s not just your brain that benefits. Your body does too. Studies have found that people in secure relationships tend to have stronger immune systems, better cardiovascular health, and even longer lifespans. Seriously, being in a healthy relationship can literally help you live longer.

Here’s the science behind it: when you feel emotionally secure, your body produces less of the stress hormone cortisol. High cortisol levels over time can wreak havoc on your body—think weakened immunity, high blood pressure, and even weight gain. But when you’re in a secure relationship, your cortisol levels stay lower, and your body can function at its best. It’s like your relationships are giving your immune system a boost.

Tie to Growth and Learning

So, why does all of this matter? Understanding your attachment style isn’t just about improving your relationships—it’s about creating a foundation for overall well-being. Whether it’s your mental health, your physical health, or your ability to thrive in all areas of life, your relationships play a huge role.

And here’s the thing: I’m not here to tell you I have all the answers. I’m on this journey too—learning, growing, and figuring things out alongside you. My goal with The Barefoot Librarian is to create a space where we can all grow into the best versions of ourselves—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that means always being curious, always learning, and always striving to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What’s Your Style?

Now, I’m curious—which attachment style do you think you have? If you’re not sure, I have something special for you. I’ve created a free Attachment Style Quiz that you can download and take at home. Based on the principles from Attached, and it’s a fun, easy way to learn more about yourself and how you show up in relationships.

To get the quiz, just comment "ATTACHMENT QUIZ" below, and I’ll send it to you. And don’t forget to share your results in the comments—I’d love to hear what you discover!

Also, make sure to tune in next time, where we’ll dive deeper into how your attachment style shapes your relationships. Trust me, you won’t want to miss it! That’s all for now. Take care, stay curious, and I’ll see you next time! 

Want to Read Along? Grab Your Books HERE!

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love: by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

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FYI: Some of the above links may be affiliate links, meaning if you purchase a product or service via these links I may receive a small commission/reward, at no additional charge to you. Thanks for supporting the channel! 😉

The #1 Relationship Mistake Smart Women Keep Making

Imagine you’re holding onto a rope, and on the other end is someone who keeps pulling you into chaos. You’re exhausted, but you keep holding on, hoping they’ll change. What if I told you the secret to freedom is as simple as… letting go?

Do you ever feel stuck in a cycle of bad relationships—picking the wrong people, ignoring red flags, or staying in situations that leave you drained? Yeah, I’ve been there too. If Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory had been around years ago, it would’ve saved me so much time and heartache. Now, I’m happily married to the love of my life, but I wish I’d had this advice back then. Today, I’m breaking down what Mel got right about relationships, and then we’re diving DEEP into dating in the next series. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this!

The Core Idea

Here’s the truth: you can’t control others—you can only control how you respond. It’s about letting people show you who they are and then deciding if that works for you. Sounds simple, but it’s harder than it looks.

Think about it: how much time have you spent trying to change someone or waiting for them to change? I used to think, ‘If I just love them enough, they’ll finally step up.’ But here’s the thing: people don’t change because you want them to. They change because they want to. And until then, their actions will always tell you the truth. 

Key Takeaway 1: Let Them Show You Who They Are

In relationships, this means paying attention to actions, not words. If they’re not prioritizing you, they’re showing you where you stand in their life. And let’s be real—you can’t force someone to care about you if they don’t.

I once dated someone who ghosted me all the time. Instead of walking away, I made excuses: ‘Maybe he’s busy,’ or ‘Maybe he’s going through something.’ But deep down, I knew the truth. His actions—not my loyalty—were the real story. He wasn’t going to change, and I needed to stop waiting for him to.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don’t wait for them to become the person you hope they’ll be. Their actions are the truth.

Key Takeaway 2: Stop Making Excuses for Bad Behavior

Here’s a hard truth: stop making excuses for people who aren’t treating you right. I used to tell myself, ‘Maybe he’s just bad at communicating,’ or ‘Maybe he’s scared of getting hurt.’ But mixed signals aren’t mixed—they’re a clear sign of disinterest. If it’s confusing, they don’t like you. And if they’re not making an effort, they’re showing you exactly where you stand.

When you stop making excuses, you take back your power. You stop living in denial and start living in reality. If someone truly values you, they’ll make it clear through their actions—not just their words.

Key Takeaway 3: The Power of Letting Go

Here’s the hardest but most important part: letting go. Ending a toxic relationship is freeing. It’s about valuing yourself and walking away from the thing (or person) keeping you from developing into the best version of you.

I’ve stayed in a relationship way too long because I was afraid of being alone. I kept thinking, ‘Maybe if I try harder, it’ll work out.’ But trying to make it work with the wrong person is like cramming your foot into a shoe two sizes too small—it’s painful and pointless. When I finally walked away, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, because I finally realized I’d rather be alone than with someone who made me feel small.

Letting go isn’t giving up—it’s taking responsibility for and valuing yourself. Because When you let go of the wrong person, you make room for the right one.

Bottom line: Relationships aren’t about changing someone or waiting for them to change. They’re about seeing people for who they are and then deciding if that works for you. Let them show you who they are. Let them make their choices. And then, you make yours. Because at the end of the day, the most important thing is being honest with yourself about what you deserve—and having the courage to walk away when it’s not enough.

Dating is messy. Which is why I’m launching a series to tackle YOUR biggest dating struggles. We’ll cover red flags, attachment styles, surviving heartbreak, and building healthy relationships. No fluff—just real tools to help you navigate the chaos.

Last Chapter

Mel Robbins gave us the foundation, but now it’s time to go deeper. Relationships are messy, but they don’t have to be confusing. Starting next week, we’ll break down why you keep picking the wrong partners and how to stop. I promise: it’s not just bad luck. There’s a reason we repeat patterns—and once you understand it, you can start making better choices. By the end of this series, you’ll have the tools to spot red flags early, break toxic patterns, and build the kind of relationship you deserve. So, drop your dating questions below, take care, stay curious, and I'll see you next time! 💛

Want to Read Along? Grab Your Books HERE!

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

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FYI: Some of the above links may be affiliate links, meaning if you purchase a product or service via these links I may receive a small commission/reward, at no additional charge to you. Thanks for supporting the channel! 😉